My How Things Change In A Year

I Took A Moment To Remember.

In the midst of contemplating the up-and-coming Valentine's Day, I took a moment to reflect on how I used to feel, which prompted me to return to my personal journal from a year ago.

I have seriously always hated this day. Not because it was consumer-driven or falsified the beauty of love. None of that. Because I was always lonely. There's a big difference between being alone and lonely. Charlie Major said it best, "I don't mind being alone, it's lonely I can't stand."

Last year I tried to take a positive stance but it's easy to tell by my words that it was all an act. A fabrication. An attempt to feel emotions I simply couldn't conjure. I thought I would share it with you - for those of you out there who know *me* and my life struggles, but also for those of you out there who feel today, the same way I did then. Maybe it will inspire hope. Maybe it won't. But consider this...

If love can happen for me, it can happen for anybody. Seriously.

Here It Is!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Life Is Perception

Tomorrow is the day I've been not-so-secretly dreading for the past couple of weeks. To be more accurate - for the past 20+ years. But you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to embrace it.

I'm going to welcome it. I might - even give it a hug! I'm going to focus on the love I DO have in my life, even if its in the form of friendships, virtual or otherwise. Because life is what you make it. I can allow my past or personal perception to unleash the flood gates and drown any chance at a smile, or I can accept life for what it has to offer me and be thankful for what I have.

A Closing Thought: I don't flaunt this publicly, but I am a bit of a romantic at heart. I don't believe in grand gestures but I enjoy being appreciated, loved and valued. I cherish sharing special moments with someone where the outside world doesn't interfere. I love inside jokes. I love discreet glances. Gentle touches. I love little tokens, actions and words that are meant especially for me. I love being loved.

Is it too much to ask, or to hope for? That someday, somehow, somewhere - a man WILL love me? The way I want to be loved. The kind of love where he'll stand on the roof top and shout it to world and then pull me close and whisper it in my ear? Please tell me that's not too much to ask.

Happy Valentines Kids,

Shan-Out.

"Love doesn't make the world go round.
It's what makes the ride worth while."
- Franklin P. Jones

The End.

Back to present day: I don't know if this Valentine's will live up to the hype or not. Chad's not really into the holiday and I'll be busy working an event at SingSnap during the evening - but if nothing else, at least I won't feel "lonely" right? Right.

Until Then,
Shan